![]() ![]() My addiction was gaining momentum by the day, he was finishing grad school and unemployed, and I was already looking for an escape hatch from our relationship (which I had wanted so deeply, so thoroughly) and could not articulate or understand why. We knew before we got married that we wanted to have kids, but a couple of years into our marriage, when she was conceived, we were in a bad, bad place. We didn’t plan to have Alma, although we also didn’t plan not to have her. I’m supposed to say I wish it were different but that I do my best to accept it, with a far-off look in my eyes, like I’m always on the verge of tears. I’m supposed to say that I feel guilty, guilty, guilty for the schedule she has, for not being there with her every other week, for deeply appreciating and even enjoying my weeks off. I’m supposed to say that being a mom is absolutely, indisputably, the most important part of my identity. Here’s where I’m supposed to say (and where Melissa was supposed to say) that I am in constant grief about missing her, that all these precious moments of her childhood are something I’ll never get back, and that I feel this as an everpresent loss, like a heavy backpack I carry wherever I go. The hundreds of tasks and data points one has to hold in one’s brain and juggle and sort and re-sort and troubleshoot on a daily basis while parenting: laundry, lunches, homework, playdate schedules, sports schedules, cooking, getting ready for school, getting out the door on time, getting to bed on time, arguing, disciplining, monitoring, juggling with work, and on and on-all outsourced to her dad. But physically and logistically, when she’s with her dad, I’m off duty unless I’m called in. Of course, I’m not actually a half-time mom, not energetically, emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually. We have the same schedule: she’s with me for one week, then with her dad the next. Alma’s dad and I got separated when she was three years old, and we’ve had 50-50 custody from the go, so I’ve been a half-time mom for over ten years-most of her life. ![]()
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